DO I GIVE IT UP OR DO I WAIT? Part 1
(MY TESTIMONY WITH TEMPTATION)
Many of us are driven by affection in a relationship. For me, I learned affectionate in the wrong manner. I thought being affectionate meant something sexual, so I was iffy when a guy touched me or made certain moves. There was this guy who I was in a non-committed, superficial relationship with and he use to poke me and play footsie. I didn’t know how to respond, so I ignored his advances. It wasn’t that I was annoyed by him or I wanted him to stop, I just didn’t know how to respond or what to do at that moment. Matter of fact, I wanted him to continue, but I was soooo uncomfortable given my perspective of what affectionate was and on top of that, I was “so holy”. One day he told me how affectionate and romantic of a person he was, so I told him why I wasn’t affectionate, but deep down inside, I wanted to make this work. So after that conversation we had, I went home and prayed and I said, “Lord, I don’t know how to be affectionate and I would like to be, so please show me or allow this person to show me”. I kid you not, like a day or two, maybe three, this person told me they would” teach” me how to be affectionate (what a silly, lustful prayer), remind you I never told him my prayer (the enemy has ears too) or gave him hints about my prayer. I was excited to go on this journey with him, but little did I know, I wasn’t whole, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t have any set boundaries. I wasn’t whole as a woman from childhood hurt: disappointments, rejections, abandonment; a broken relationship, premature death of my son’s father, mental, verbally, and physically abuse.
I wasn’t ready mentally, I wasn’t there just yet. I had this big void in my heart, so I had an idea what my relationship was going to look like, and I had an idea what I was going to do in this relationship, but I didn’t have anything wrote down to practice with and I wasn’t secure in my identity in Christ. I didn’t had this set in my heart so when this guy “tried” to “teach” me, I was slowly dying spiritually and didn’t know. You ask me how? Good, because by me not having any boundaries set and being broken in that area, I used affectionate and him as a crutch to fill that pain, hurt, and voids in my life.
I started to compromise my walk with Christ to walk with man. Don’t get me wrong, this guy was not a bad person and I will still say he is a true man of God, but he was human just like me, imperfect. I didn’t have no boundaries set up for him to understand, for him to honor, and uphold. I was a freefall (just made up that word lol) and acceptable to anything he said and did. I didn’t have a “no” in me because I wanted him and I wanted him to be my husband so he was free to lead me in any direction he please, I would still follow. As much power of the Holy Spirit that was in me, I died that down so I wouldn’t have any convictions when my behavior was ungodly and did things with this man that I know the Holy Spirit was not pleased with because He dwell in me.
In the beginning, I kid you not, we were upholding God’s standards, we would pray, fast, pour into each other spiritually, speak the word of God and be in sync with one another; man we was on a ball and on fire for Christ. Both of us was a powerful individual when it came to our walk in Christ. We slipped, we started to decrease in the things of Christ, and so it was easy to fulfill the lust of our flesh because we stop fulfilling our spirits with godly things. I started to have major insecurities or should I say, these things started to resurface because now, I am walking more in my flesh. I compromised so much that I actually was laying in the same bed with this guy contemplating should I give it up to him who may or may not be my husband or should I wait for him to be my husband. I never thought in a million years that this decision would be in my heart. With this question in my mind, I knew I was in trouble. I kind of knew we were heading towards fornication because I started asking him questions like, “umm if you were to have sex with a girl, would you still consider marrying her” or “would you look at me different if we were to “do something”. Temptation was coming and I knew I was about to walk through that door, so I started “preparing” my mind and my heart for the impact. I told myself I would just use this as my testimony to help others (which was the enemy), but then I thought, my now testimony is, “I haven’t had sex in so many years”. If I give it up, what would I have left to tell somebody else who is struggling in this area? Or how could I encourage another young lady or young man that they can wait till he or she are married if I give it up before marriage?